Thursday, August 2, 2012

Just a blog : Family

I came to this site mainly due to a relationship issue with my ex bf and while posting and scrolling thru the various links, I have came to the grief and loss forum.

From 2005-2009 I have experienced what I feel is an over-abundance of life loss. Jobs, pets, homes, personal items, friendships that don't include physical death and then there is the ones that actually passed away. I had life losses throughout my life of course but this had become unbearable in ways and has created a fear in me to be close to anyone, thus now I am in my own solitary confinement.

Three very prevelant early-aged losses have plagued me. My aunt died when I was 12. She was the very first memorable death I had experienced and I remember the terror I felt when I went to her services. A few years later, my dog, which was my absolute best friend and companion, ran away and I never saw her again. She was old and I figure maybe she knew she was going to pass on and went into her own quiet place. I can still feel the pain of loosing her and it has been nearly 40 years. A few years later, the death of my friend shocked me into the reality that you don't have to be old to pass away.

I never grouped life losses into one clump or category. I figured that items lost throughout my life time were just things that would come and go, materialistic and replaceable. In 2005 the whirlwind began with the loss of my youngest sons father to cancer. After he passed away the extended family that I loved dissolved and no one stayed in touch. Four short months after he passed on, my own mother died from complications to diabetes. The time between the onset of her symptoms and her actual death was short and I felt so unprepared. The following months were filled with losses of materialistic items, jobs, friendships, etc which only compounded my depression. During this time frame I was also trying to help other people in their own family grievances. My friend's 7 yr old daughter drowned in a pool, friends from years past would experience losses of family, In Dec 2006, my youngest sons aunt pass away, due to cancer, just as her brother had the year prior, and then March 2007 a lifelong friend of mine died from cancer and then April 2007 my older brother would pass away from severe head trauma due to a motorcycle accident only to be followed in June 2007 when another friend passed away due to complications of diabetes. This was my breaking point but I tried to pick myself up and keep going. I found a job cleaning at a nursing home but the environment was hard to deal with so by 2009 I walked out and quit. I became homeless and had to give away everything I owned to a local church so today I own barely anything. I have a box of pictures that I have lugged along the way refusing to let go of it, I have a handful of memorabilia from different people who were special to me. With all the stress and depression of dealing with all these people dying, I ended up meeting my now soon to be ex bf. I am having detatchment anxiety !!!! Is there such a thing ? Maybe writing this all out will help somehow, maybe not. I feel like I glided through this time frame in a mistiness, detatching from each, expecting another, lifeless and numb from the last event moving forward to the next. In March 2011 my middle child received news that his birth father was on life support and wasnt expected to survive. We went to say our goodbyes to him but when we arrived at the hospital we found him to be in the exact room where my brother passed away years prior, of the exact same trauma.. bleeding on the brain. I felt like I was in one of them long hallways going nowhere, clutched in the past memory of my brother. Now.. March 18, 2012 my very own son died suddenly. He was handicapped from birth and I knew he had a grim chance to be very old at all. He was 28 years old and God rest his little soul. As he had become his own rightful adult, he made some choices that I did not agree with but had no way to stop his downward spiral. I braced myself months prior for something to happen to him but NEVER entered my mind that it would be his death. I honestly thought that he would experience something that would shock him into taking care of himself better and that he would ultimately be ok. He died from ..bleeding and pressure on the brain!!! The third person I experienced this with and being my own son I just can't deal with it. I know without a doubt that this last death has me in a bad mental anxiety and it is absolutely hindering the way I am while trying to let go of this aweful relationship that has existed between me and my hopefully the-sooner-the-better ex bf. This almost feels like a re-run of the events 7 years ago. A couple deaths closely grouped together, loosing a job and now I am bracing myself for the next homeless statis. Since my son's death I have walked out on a job that was keeping me in a comfortable financial way. I wasn't rich by any means but I was getting my bills paid and I was happy. I feel part of my downfall also was the fact that my ultimate ex was not at all compassionate or understanding to my grieving process. He sabatoged my experience with his insane ability to snap the focus onto himself, create panic and fear in me of what his next move will be, and just show me how truly uncompatible we actually are. My son's death has in an odd way showed me the actual man that my ex is... or isnt. This is one relationship I wouldn't mind loosing.


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